At the beginning of this year I decided to move back to Cambridge. Prior to this, I spent 3 years studying in Cambridge before moving back in with my parents last year. Toward the end of last year, I met someone in Cambridge so naturally, wanted to move back. We rented a room there for about 3 months before a pretty major fall out. I really wanted to stay living and working in Cambridge but couldn’t afford to rent somewhere on my own on the wage I was on. So, here I am, again, back in Norfolk, living with my parents…
I thought this move would be a classic opportunity for me to write another blogpost. I like to check-in every now and then. I have quite enjoyed going back and forth and changing my path. After all, I’m at the early-twenties-limbo-stage of life. NOW is the time to be exactly this. I sometimes beat myself up a bit for not being where I want to be but I do believe this is actually where I should be. I’ve been too caught up with getting ~there~. Wherever ~there~ is. To be honest, I don’t think anyone is really ~there~ I don’t even think ~there~ exists. I’m dropping getting ~there~.
I think one of the toughest things for me to admit is that I don’t have a clue what I want to do or where I want to be (hence the constant moving from place to place). To be quite honest, this terrifies me. It feels absurd for me to feel anxious about something I have complete control over. I have a lot of freedom and opportunity right now but I also have self doubt and anxiety. I feel like I’m constantly having to fight to feel okay and then when I do feel okay I beat myself up again for not feeling okay in the first place. I hate that I struggle and I hate admitting I’m not actually okay. It feels like a weakness to admit that I’m scared but I don’t feel weak at all.
I think I’m just really bloody sensitive. Which doesn’t necessarily mean weak. It doesn’t really mean anything good or bad, weak or strong, it just means I feel A LOT. It’s exhausting, sometimes. It can also be rewarding, exciting, breathtaking, enchanting, joyous, etc, etc…
Swings and roundabouts, eh?
All of this ~feelings~ talk reminds me of a David Jones quote, so I’m going to end the post with this:
“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”
– peace and love, Emily xo